Memories

Hmmm. Something struck me that made me think 'bout so many things i always don't seem to bother. It's kind of fascinating to me how people seem to be able to acquaint with one another in different situations. In school, in army, in a basketball court and even in a train such as that in my sassy girl. Initial friendship always seem so fun, probably because of the "fresh" factor in the new made friend. But as time goes on, most of the time it always seem to be the norm that the meetings become more and more rare. Either due to a busy schedule or having found a girl/boy friend or other new acquaintances that require more of your attention. Or sometimes even you find the things you do with one another getting mundane and your heart shouts out to you to find something more appealing to occupy your precious 24h a day. Unless a special occasion comes your way, you do not find the need to catch up with one another. Probably thinking that "oh well, I suppose he/she still know me as a friend." "Think he/she should be quite occupied lar." "Funny to ask them out for nothing. Most prob they wouldn't be interested"

I touched my heart and yea. This is life i guess. A self declared hectic life that just relies on your wants at that very moment. My result? I subconsciously neglected people around me. My sec sch closer friends are just people that "you know my name i know your name so we're friends." Gone are the days when we can talk bout so much with just some cups of tea at a coffeeshop. Or meet in a couple of hour with just a phone call.

I cried today as I sat on the bus thinking 'bout how i neglected him. I thought 'bout how he had always made milo for my breakfast when I was young and stayed over often. He's blind and he cant see the ants from the condensed milk swimming inside my milo. Disgusting? That's what i thought too. Not thinking that if he had the eyes he'd clear them. I'll just go pour away hoping that he didn't know but he always know somehow. But he never scolded me. He'd just make another cup which I will drink, busy using a spoon to scoop the ants out. He cooks. But without eyes he often had some trouble trying to find the ingredients. Sometimes when I see him touching everything in the fridge trying to find some chilli or stuff. I'd just stand there watch. Not offering any help. More curious in whether a blind man can find the thing he wanted than caring for him and ask if he want me to help. I was young, but I have such a wicked heart. Getting fun out of a blind man. I feel so ashamed. There are so many things I've done wrongly in the past around him. But he on his part. He cared for me. He'd try to cook things i like to eat. He'd ask 'bout my results in school. He'd help me massage my ankle when i sprained it. He'd...
Now he can't hear me say that I'm sorry for what I did before which I never apologised. He can't hear me care for him the way he'd care for me. I can blame it that I'm young. But now I'm older, it wouldn't be too late to say sorry, to care. But it was. I realised too late. Life makes fun of me.

I'm crying again. I always thought I can never cry again. Now i am crying over spilled milk. I'm so stupid. haha. But he thought me a lesson though. A painful lesson. A lesson on how to cherish. Yeah yeah, we always hear bout such things. Never take things for granted. But do we ever learn? Even when I heard the news I felt nothing. In the first few days of the wake I find everything so redundant. I always sneak back home to do something else instead of staying beside his body. But after not sleeping for 36h to take over my aunts to stay watch so that they could sleep after a tiring day of rituals and attending to people paying respect, the bus ride to the cemetery totally overwhelmed me. I couldn't even give proper respect to him as a grandson when he's lying there. As I see the coffin lowered, the answer seems clear. I've failed as a grandson.

I wrote so much. My repent i guess. I guess friends are like your relatives, albeit relatives are closer due to blood relationship. A simple gesture of a sms to ask how one's doing can mean quite a lot. And here' s my post to ask how all of you are doing. Maybe we can meet out someday as zhenni suggested. My suggestion is this sat, 10 jun 06. Msg me if you're interested. But i think most people will only see this post after 10 considering the deadness in this blog. A pity, but try to spread the word anw. My attempt to psycho those unwilling. think whether are you really that busy to not be able to afford that time, or you think about the people arnd you like what i do in the past.

"Every story is multi-faceted"
-yongfa